It must take one crazy guy to try to replicate the taste of Smarties. M&Ms? What?! Come on, eh, are you kiddin’ me? First, they melt in your hands. Smarties don’t melt in your hands (and no jokes please about the impact of cold weather on this finding okay).

I was visiting my cousin recently out in Moosejaw. She has a great uncle, who married the former wife of someone who worked side-by-side with the inventor of the Smarties.

So I asks her, “Why must we eat the red ones last?”

She says I need to find this guy who knows. He lives in an igloo north of Chilliwack, eh. “Why?” I ask. Because she tells me, stories like this always require long hikes to remote destinations to discover personal truths. “Oh.” I say. After I finished my 50 I leave.

Later I skidoo across Bear Lake. I’m wondering again, why do we eat the red ones last?

“When you eat your Smarties,
Do you eat the red ones last?
Do you suck them very slowly,
Or crunch them very fast?
Eat that candy-coated chocolate,
But tell me when I ask,
When you eat your Smarties,
Do you eat the red ones last?”

Monica Turner
Contributor to Stark Insider for tech, the arts and All Things West Coast for over 10 years.